Is There Something Wrong with Me

I feel that I have been writing now for some time, and I also find that in these blogs I have been addressing what may appear to be our downfalls. After I write them my editor and friend inevitably asks me if I was suffering from some depressive bout while writing. I am always surprised by this because I feel that what I write should inspire, and I believe that I am inspirational, at least it is my intention. The reason I write about adversity is because I believe that is where we need the most help when in the face of adversity. I present different scenarios so that you can recognize them within yourself and that you can also see that you are not alone, that there is nothing wrong with you, and that what you are feeling is what you are supposed to feel, the difficult times should be expected or else they creep up on you as they were a surprise. This is difficult, but it is not impossible. I write in the hope to inspire you, to show you that I know what you are going through and what you will go through so that you can be prepared and not take the whole thing and throw it away because of an emotion or a moment, as bad as it may be it really is just a moment, then you can get yourself right back on track. Expect to trip but then know you will stand right after, expect adversity, and prepare for it so that you can rise above. I speak of my past issues to show you that even in the darkest of moments, the moments that we do not want to speak of, the moments we are so ashamed of and wonder, “What is wrong with me?”

Well, if we think that something is really wrong with us then we will never think we can get better, but if there is nothing wrong with you, what you feel is actually, and perhaps unfortunately more of the norm than you can imagine. I can honestly tell you that it has been over 25 years that my weight has been maintained at my optimal goal weight within a five-pound loop. I live my words and I hope that my words will help you live yours. There are some that will say and have said that it's just that I am genetically inclined to be thin. I used to allow them to say this just to be polite but it could not be further than the truth. I no longer allow anyone to take that from me, to take my truth from me and my hard work from me because without it how could I ever give to you my adversity, my inspiration?

So, I have decided to share with you more of what I have lived through, or worked through only to show you that I have been there, I know who you are, I know your darkest secrets and I am not ashamed of mine, although it is hard to share them. I want you not to be ashamed of a single thing, action, or thought, that may be hidden within you, because one day they will all be what makes you stronger, what gives you the inspiration to stand up and say, “This is not the woman that I was born to be, this is not the dream that I had as a young girl, this is not my life and I will not live like this anymore, I will not be ashamed, I am strong and beautiful and I will show the world but mostly myself that it is true.”

To say that I don’t still stumble would be a lie, I do and am far from being perfect but the place in which I stumble is a long distance from the young woman that I used to be, the distance in which I stumble is not as deep as it had been in the past. They may or may not be good enough for you and the thought may or may not be inspirational that after years of struggling, there may still be a possibility of still having struggles, but that is the truth. But what is also the truth is they will look much different and you will also look different, feel different, and stumble much more deep and stand way faster than ever before.

So, for the sake of getting my editor nervous that I have once again plummeted into my own darkness, I will say that I am not depressed but I know where I came from and am not ashamed to share it, well only slightly, to show you that I have walked the walk, and I have talked my talk.